You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
