I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize