Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
