update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
