I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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