And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
