The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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