i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
