Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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