You're my little dorito
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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