I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
