i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
