just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
