Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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