if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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