Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
