Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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