Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize