My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
