I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
