My sheets look like a crime scene.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
