chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
