i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
