I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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