you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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