what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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