We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
