First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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