for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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