i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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