exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize