his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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