My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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