At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
