You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
