Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
