i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I deserve this hangover.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
