I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
