Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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