I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
