"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
