This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
