just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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