chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
