Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
