we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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