i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
