i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize