I think im going to throw up on grandma
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
