thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
