I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
