babies were throwing up all over the place
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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