Yo dont text me then not text me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
