R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
