No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
