Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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