oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
