I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize