Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
